Christmas eating guide for off-season cyclists

I gleaned this guide from a mailing list for randonneurs. Quite funny and good to read.

Following are some tips for cyclists worried about off season training. Well, you can worry about that after Jan 1.
Give yourself a break!
After all, didn't you put in 1,000 or 5,000 or 10,000 butt-searing kilometers on that saddle this past season?

And won't you be out there the very second that there's a narrow strip of visible tarmac along your favourite country road through the spring snowdrifts and run-off?

This is the season to rejoice one of the prime reasons why we cycle so hard during the season -- so we can eat, eat and eat some more!

With that in mind, here's the holiday eating guide for off-season cyclists:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rumballs.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare.In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Holiday Time!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a road bike with suspension forks!
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hellooo ?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Thanksgiving?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips;
    start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

AND LAST BUT BY NO MEANS LEAST:

Remember that...

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine glass in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"